Meh…

(keeping in mind that i am in a foul mood today, so my blog will reflect the dark corner in my head)

there are things that i have learned throughout my life that nobody told me about. important things, necessary things. these are things that i suppose would have made me a different person if i had been warned about them. these are things that build character, that require some sort of life-altering journey to realize. one such thing is this: being a parent is a heartbreaking business. not to say i don’t love being a mother. it’s the biggest, coolest adventure i’ve ever been on. however, as with every adventure, there are trials and tribulations that go with it. so to those of you who don’t have children, or those who do but are like the brady bunch, here is my list of heartbreaking things that i have come across as a parent.

1. vaccinations: i realize they are important and that they keep my child healthy, but there are few things more cruel than being forced to restrain a small child so that somebody can cause her pain.

2. being single: this is heartbreaking for many reasons, the principal reason being that i can’t give my daughter the thing she wants most in the world-her dad. he comes and goes as he pleases, and we just have to deal with that. another reason is that when she’s mad at me, the first words out of her mouth are always "i want my daddy!" rip my heart out, throw it on the floor, and stomp on it, sweetie. the last reason that i will mention is that there is not enough of me to go around. there is only one of me, and much more going on than just being a mom. sometimes i can go days without playing with my daughter because homework needs to be done, cleaning needs to be done, i have to work…the list goes on. i hope someday she can forgive me for this.

3. life’s not fair: it sucks that children have to learn this, but it’s a fact of life. it hurts my heart to see my child get left out because she’s younger, smaller, different, etc. it sucks when someone makes a promise to my daughter and doesn’t follow through. it hurts that sometimes life draws a bad card for certain people, but that’s life, and life’s not fair.

4. the thing that hurts me the most about being a parent is when there is something wrong with my child and i can’t fix it. i love the days when i see her improving at occupational therapy, and i can see her play with her friends and do the things she should be able to do at her age. but there are days (like today) when therapy just doesn’t go well, and even though i know it’s only one day and it’s just a fluke, it makes me want to cry a little when i see her struggle. and sometimes i do, but not in front of her.

the list goes on, but those are the ones that are on my mind today…

So, the assignment this week is to blog on blogging…odd. I have mixed feelings about blogging. I have mostly enjoyed it, getting my thoughts and whatnot out there into the world. However, there are days when I really just don’t want to write. Obviously this is not one of those days. Also, it’s sometimes very difficult for me to find the time (yes, I am that busy that I sometimes absolutely can’t spare five minutes to blog). However, even though my creative writing class is almost over, I think I will keep my blog. I may even go back and do the blogging assignments that I’ve missed, just for fun. It’s good for the brain.

I am soooo glad that in creative writing, it’s "your choice" day for blogging. I am having a bad day. My new-to-me van broke this morning. This is a regular occurrence for me. It’s just the most recent of a long line of cars that have taken one look at me and just given up on life. I don’t know what it is. I’ve never had a major accident, I’m a very defensive driver, and I take good care of the vehicles I’ve driven. It’s like there’s some magnetic field in me that effs everything up under the hood.

I’m more angry about this one than the previous ones tho…I finally have a nice vehicle that runs well and looks pretty. I’ve blown the engines in two of mother’s cars and one of my ex’s, I’ve driven a friend’s car into a dumpster (drunken teenage mistake…forgivable?) and I’ve taken out a transmission, also in one of my mom’s cars. All of these things (with the exception of the dumpster incident) I have somehow accomplished not by punishing the vehicles, but by driving them as they were meant to be driven and practicing proper vehicle maintenance. My last vehicle was such a p.o.s. It was the first vehicle I had actually owned, and I had it for five years. It was a purple ford explorer, a ’93. I was so proud of it. However, after year two, it began to literally fall apart. I tried telling my dad this, but I think that he thought I was exaggerating. When it finally bit the big one, I had somehow melted my power steering unit and my dad had to drive it to his place to work on it. This is the first time he had ever actually been in my vehicle, and he went on a three day rant about it. "How could any daughter of mine be driving such a piece of crap" was the basic subject matter. I told him "I have no money! It’s cheaper to buy a new alternator once a year than to buy a whole new car!"

Well, I never got my Explorer back. He junked it. I was pissed! I can’t live without a vehicle! As it happens, at this time my stepmom was vehicle shopping for me and found a nice ’95 Windstar for a thou. It’s really nice inside and out, runs really well, and actually looks more recent than her newer model Windstar. She gladly bought it, and I just paid her back last month. You see why I’m mad? Grrr!

Anyhoo, I suppose at least it’s fixable. It’s just the alternator that’s shot, so I’ll pick one up today and hopefully have it fixed by Saturday.

"The world is full of suffering, but it is also full of overcoming it."  -Helen Keller

This is my favorite quote. I like it because it reminds me of my own mantra that I have developed over the years. You see, my sister and I are the unluckiest people I know. Murphy’s law was made for us. If something can go wrong, it will. This wouldn’t be a problem, but my sister and I are both horribly depressed people. We needed a mantra, and our mantra is this: We are not giver-uppers, we are mover-onners.

so i’m checking facebook while i’m supposed to be writing this blog and i see two status updates from two vastly different people, and realize that these updates are related (inside my head anyway). one says: Goal: Get straight A’s while planning a wedding, working part time, and being a RA all without losing my mind… I can do this. the other says: It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

now, i try not to be sexist (and forgive me if you’re male) but running the world is not a job for the weak of heart. i say running the world because that’s what my life feels like most days, and i know many of my friends have said the same. as i’m writing this, i can see that it’s apparent that i’m single, but i have thought this way even when attached to someone.

life is hard, and life is busy. but women are born multi-taskers and if anyone is fit to run the world, it is an overworked woman (preferably someone’s mom). things won’t run smoothly, but they will run efficiently, and when the poop hits the fan, they will just take a detour and figure it out. because that’s what has to be done.

my calendar is full, with my full-time schooling, my part-time job (which doesn’t pay me crap), homework, cleaning, caring for my daughter (who happens to have a special need that makes EVERYTHING take twice as long as it should). i am a chauffer, a chef, a mrs. fix-it, a nurse, a daughter, a sister, a shoulder to cry on, a nose wiper, a seamstress, a teacher, and a best friend.

i know many people who can make a list like this and then some. it is easy to see how one might think they make the world turn. and i am reminded of my ex-fiancee who would never take care of me or my daughter when we were sick. when he had so much as a cold, his world was over, and i had to keep my world turning while taking care of him so his could start to revolve again.

every once in a while i wish my world revolved around myself. i am a person who has trouble doing things for myself, and would much rather help someone else. because that’s what i’m used to. anyway, to these girls that wrote about busy lives and the difficulty of parenting, i say behold…the power of women! the born multi-taskers of our world!

yesterday i was wishing that my days weren’t so long. i’ve changed my mind today (this is normal. i’m one of the most indecicive people on the planet). if my days weren’t as long, my life would be much harder. there would not be enough time to get things done. there would be no time for my daughter, no time for homework, and no time for me. i’m actually very satisfied with the fact that i wake up at 5:45 every morning and go to bed somewhere between 11 and 1:00. it also helps that i’ve suffered from insomnia for the last 11 years (and i’m only 25).

i was also thinking today that it’s a good thing that i’m a born multi-tasker (as most women are, of course). if i wasn’t, there would never be time to sleep. also, i am a very high energy person. i am rarely exhausted. i often tell people that i’m exhausted but what i really mean is that i have a lot to do. for instance, here’s how yesterday went (it was a really typical day).

i woke up at 5:45, had a carnation instant breakfast drink, took my ocd meds (which don’t work nearly as well as they should), took vitamins (i’m sick 365 days out of the year), took a shower, got dressed, did my hair and makeup, packed my work bag, checked the weather, and set out 3 possible outfits for my daughter to choose from.

at 6:00 i woke up my daughter. my daughter has an interesting neurological issue called sensory processing disorder. her senses are wired all wonky through her nervous system, and while it’s hard to explain this in just a few words, let me assure you that it’s a horrible, difficult, extremely time consuming, yet sometimes amusing disorder. i wake her up with all of the lights off because i have to ask her whether or not her eyes hurt first. it is not okay to turn the lights on this morning so i bring in the three outfits and she chooses one based on how the materials involved feel, rather than what they look like. she takes off her pajamas and runs to the linen closet to find a towel to drape over the sink because she has to brush her teeth and cannot tolerate the feel of porcelain. she brushes, washes her hands, goes potty and comes back to her room. i brush her skin with a special sensory brush and then i have to do her squishes (joint compressions). she usually loves this. today she does not. her eyes turn from ocean blue to sky blue and this tells me that her mood has gone from neutral to charmingly wicked. she goes limp noodle. i cannot compress her joints if she is limp noodle. i tickle her and this causes her to go stiff as a board. i can work with stiff as a board. i squish her and tell her to get dressed while i pack her daycare backpack. i come back in two minutes to find her jumping on her bed naked. this is ok, it just means that she needs a different type of sensory stimulation than the brushing gave her. i let her jump for a minute, then tackle her to the bed and force her clothes on. we walk out to the kitchen where she begins singing at the top of her lungs instead of getting her outside clothes on. i put my coat on and start to walk out the door, at which point she begins to scream because i beat her to the door. she gets ready. screaming begins again because her snack drawer is out of her favorite snacks. i have to give her snacks in the morning on the way to daycare because pain for me is pain X ten for her (because of the disorder) and she doesn’t eat breakfast until 8 am at daycare. she usually wakes up hungry and in pain. snacks make this a nonissue. as long as i have the right ones. this morning she requires something with a gran

I write to put my ideas down. Ideas, thoughts, complaints-all of it. I feel as if my head isn’t big enough to contain all that is going on and every once in a while I have to transfer something from the brain file to the paper file (or in this case, the internet file) to make room for more. I write to record-to remember things that I don’t want to forget or things that I want to remember exactly as they are. I write to remember things that have no relevance now, but may in the future (I call that one my useless information file). Last but certainly not least, I write because I love to write.